A Letter to A Friend

To the person who wrote a song about me and didn’t ask my feelings, I Love You, I’m Sorry, Please Forgive Me, Thank you, and I would like to respond. Since this isn’t the first thing you have written about me and made public, the first with my name attached, I will also respond publicly so as to hopefully clear up any misinterpretations about my own life.

I wasn’t going to say anything until I did a very deep dive session with a friend of mine who asked if I had ever considered writing you a letter. I hadn’t. I don’t know why. But I would really like to clear this energy up.

Our 40 year reunion is coming up this summer. So those memories go back quite far. I was very surprised when I recently came across the song you wrote called, “Homecoming Queen”. Even though I had been the homecoming queen, I didn’t really consider that it would be about me, but as I listened, the realization sunk in. It wasn’t a nice song. It did hurt a bit.

The reason I was looking up songs you had written is because I was considering taking your songwriting course. I had this idea that we were friends and it would be fun to reconnect through our creative expressions. I must have hurt you somewhere along the way. And for that, I am truly sorry, and honestly this is mostly why I am writing this. I would like to know how and when I hurt you so that I can go back to those moments and change the way I behaved.

Not as an excuse, but maybe as an explanation, I would like to reveal what was happening with me at that time. My home life wasn’t nice. I don’t want to go into detail with this as to not hurt or put the blame on others, but I was deeply struggling. This led me to seek solace in inappropriate ways. I was promiscuous. I did sleep with a college boy, probably more than one. This would somehow make me feel safe in the moment, like someone actually cared for me. I drank too much. I took some drugs. But, I was also a straight A student, and cared deeply about my role as president and vice president of our class. I cared about everyone in our class very much. I cared about making homecoming beautiful for everyone. The cars that we rode in on, they had to be found. Everything about that day and night had to be planned and arranged. As a committee, we curated all of the specifics to make it a beautiful , memorable experience for everyone. I put so much time and energy into finding past homecoming queens who could come and be honored at our event. I cared about that and I cared about them.

I didn’t know I would win. When they announced my name, I looked at my date in shock and said, “what should I do?”. Go get your crown. I was so involved in making it nice for everyone that I hadn’t considered that I might actually win. That, you didn’t mention in the song.

Did you know that several teachers at our school were very sexually inappropriate with me? Did you know that I didn’t know how to say no because nobody ever taught me to honor and respect my body? Did you know that I was almost raped by another student in high school? Probably not. I have read that you had that experience in college, so maybe you can have a bit of understanding of the life I chose. I say chose because I believe that we choose our experiences before we come into this life because we have things we want to learn. I take full responsibility for everything, but maybe you didn’t know.

Our choir director didn’t like me and she made it very clear. So, the person everyone else loved and had a place of respite with was not that for me. Did you know that I was very envious of your voice starting from junior high? I thought you were so talented and loved being with you. I loved your big house in the nice part of town. I loved your loving family environment. I loved how confident your were. Maybe you didn’t know.

When I moved to California, it was an adventure. I packed up a backpack and flew to San Francisco. I thought I had a place to stay, but that didn’t work out, so I ended up at the YMCA in the bad part of town. I had an adventure. I was a deadhead. I hung out with the homeless hippies on Haight Street. I started stripping with my other hippie girlfriends to make money to go to dead shows. We went to Rainbow gatherings and danced naked in the mud. It was fun. I could write a whole book on that part of my life. Then, I met a makeup artist at a photo shoot I was doing in San Francisco. She said, “move to L.A. and do real modeling”. So I did. She was awesome. All along the way, I had awesome females loving and supporting me. Then I met Matt, the rockstar you referred to in the song. He was a musician. I was a deadhead. I didn’t even know any Guns n’ Roses songs when I met him. I definitely was not into heavy metal. But I went along for the ride. We had fun. I won’t go into the painful parts of it, but they were there too.

Then, I found God so to speak in yoga. I moved to Nashville and had my Kundalini awakened at an ashram. I moved back to California and played music in bands, took acting classes and kept modeling, all while supplementing with exotic dancing when needed. At this point, I started leading yoga and meditation events also. Finally, I moved to Santa Fe, New Mexico to spend 3 years with my beautiful spiritual teacher, Danny. This was another family of beautiful people who welcomed me in. It was a fabulous 3 years of soaking in the desert sun, writing songs and decompressing from a pretty intense life. After 3 years, I had had enough of the desert and thought about moving back to L.A., but Pennsylvania was calling me back home. My mom was having back surgery and needed my love. I didn’t plan to stay. I thought I would end up back in California within a few months, but that is not how it played. I met an amazing guitar teacher and kept writing songs and playing out at local venues. Remember, we played a gig together? I thought that was nice. Was I licking my wounds? I don’t know.

I met the father of my kids, who was also playing music out. We had babies and this is where they are being raised. Would I have chosen it this way? No, but it’s ok. My kids are at a beautiful music school and playing their music, their way. That makes me happy. They are safe. They are loved. They know how to honor and respect themselves. That makes me say, “I did it. I changed the pain.” I look at them and my heart glows. My heart is in love with life.

My spiritual work overrides everything that I am. I am deeply embodied in the love of the Divine. I work with people and teach them how to find their true inner self. I like to believe that I am doing a lot of good with that. I would like to believe that I am a good person. I would like to believe that you misinterpreted my life.

I just wish you might have considered talking with me before writing what you didn’t really know. I’m sorry for any pain I have caused you. I really want to make this right.

With my love and my heart on my sleeve, I say, truly, I am sorry. And for anyone else reading this, maybe you’ve learned a little bit more about me today.

In Love Always,

Kai Shanti aka Heidi