When I Work on Myself, I Am Free
Anyone who knows me knows that I am always working on my own divinity, my own truth, my own peace, my own love. I am always working to be free. I am always working to become more of me. Me as a divine being in grace, in truth, in love.
I decided this year that I would join a dating site. It wasn't for me to expect a partner to come into my life, but rather to open up to the possibilities of grace coming to me in that way. I really knew that I wouldn't meet a partner on there, but I wanted my heart to start expanding out to attract and allow that energy in.
I wasn't allowing for the energy in that way, in the way that a divine lover would come to me. I posted a picture of me after I woke up in the morning, awake and sleepy, a little puffy, no makeup, just me. I figured if someone was attracted that way, they would be interested more deeply. I stated what I wanted in a man. Something deep and real and soulfully, energetically connected in grace. I wanted someone to build me up to the grace that I am so I could do the same with them, etc., etc., you know how it goes. We wish for something, we dream, but ultimately we become what we seek. And I attracted one. He responded with so much grace to my plea for someone real and deep. It was the only message that called to me out of the several I received. It was the only one that called me in.
I thought, "Wow, maybe this is the thing for me. Maybe I came on here to meet my soul mate and I'm ready. It's time". Excitement kicked in. And then uggh. As my son said when I first joined the site, "this isn't going to end well" :). It didn't end well. It didn't end badly either. It just didn't happen in the way I was hoping. I hope you don't think that I am yearning for a lover now and that this is my call or plea to bring him in. Because I'm not. Actually, this little event has kind of cured me of this and I am now just successfully allowing myself the freedom to just be for the first time ever probably.
But, I'll go on with this story. When he asked for me to send him a text so that he could respond to me, I thought, "wow, I'm actually gong to be connecting with a man romantically for the first time in a while". It was a very surreal feeling for me. I've been single, but living with my ex for quite some time now and I haven't had any contact with anyone romantically for years. If you know me from the past, you know that that is quite a feat for me. I like romantic snuggling, sex, and intimacy, but I haven't had any feelings to subject my kids to dating and boyfriends coming and going so I have just decided to wait for "the one". When he comes, I'll know, I thought. I don't think anything now. This little event has somehow cured me. For this moment, anyway.
When it comes to my lover's voice, I want him to be deep and real and solid in his knowing of his true self. I received a message from this man, who is a beautiful man I must say, just not for me obviously. His voice was speaking, but I wasn't feeing that depth from him. He stated that intuitively he decided to check back on my profile where I had added something at the end. I added that we (my kids and I) are vegan and that it is very important for me to be with a vegan partner, that this is nonnegotiable for me and that I need someone who also values animals and all of life in this way.
And here is the kicker, the reason for writing this whole essay. He said that he had been vegan for several years and because of failing health had started eating meat again and that he is now an omnivore. He couldn't be with me because he understood my values and understood how important it would be for me. Well, there you go. It wasn't for me and now I realize that being with a man isn't so important for me either. How that quick little event showed me that, I am not sure, but I am so blessed that it happened in that way. Quick lesson learned, done.
So, since then, the amount of times that I have heard that someone was vegan and had to return to eating meat because of failing health has been quite overwhelming. I know that this event with this person and with all of the follow-up prompts, is giving me another moment to work on myself more deeply and understand the meaning of these synchronicities. What is the highest truth, God? Why are you giving me these messages? What is the action that I should take?
What I am being given so far is that there is a deeper calling to know ourselves more deeply and to understand why we are eating meat. Why have we been given the opportunity to look at this? Why have we been given the opportunity to ask if this is really what we need? I will never eat meat. It's not an option for me. I don't understand why people eat meat, but I think there is a deeper knowledge within us that is calling to be seen. It is calling us to understand a deeper imperative within us to eat meat. What is it? Is it an understanding that we are death ultimately? What is the deeper meaning of all of these things? I will understand more deeply when I ask and receive the calling that is for me. I will call forth to understand these things. I would like to offer my services to allow all beings to be free from this imperative and understand that we are free already and by being free, we must allow all beings to be free. More to follow on this in the next writing.