My guru had been telling me that this voice inside of me is not the Divinity that I am seeking, that it is not the Divine truth of my being, that it is not divine truly, but what he is telling me is the divine truth and what he is telling me is what should be trusted and what he is telling me should be seen as the holy sentiment of God’s grace. I tried to believe him. I tried to believe him for so long and I am still trying to resolve the pain that it is has caused. What an unbelievable journey it has brought me into. What an unbelievable trust in my own faith it is challenging me to today. What an unbelievable guilt trip I suffered for so many years; wanting to please the guru, wanting to do what the guru says, wanting to be the best devotee that I could be so that I could find that ultimate place of peace, love and divinity. But, what has it brought me to today? What has it brought to me except pain and grief. I have seen that nothing outside of me can bring me into a state of true peace. I have seen that nothing outside of me can be believed as truth for me. I have seen that only within my own being will I be seen as holy and free.
So, why did I succumb to this knowledge of grace outside of me for so long? Why did I succumb to this unbelief in my own reality of truth within my own being? Why did I succumb to something that is so untruthful for me? I am believing in my own self now, although I see the doubts arising every day. I know that I am free, but I see the doubts hazy in front of me, still speaking silently inside of my being. I see them still wanting to be heard, but I also see that they don’t feel like anything but a fading memory and gone is what they will soon be. I am so happy that I am seeing me for me in this reality now and all is free. And even as I write these words, it sneaks in and says, what if he reads these words? What if he doesn’t approve? What if, what if, what if. How tricky it is and how deceiving it can be.
Why am I writing these words. I feel that this is a major breaking point for me. I feel that this is a major place for me to finally see who I am really and let it be fully in my own realization of peace, love and divinity in all things. No longer can anyone seek for something outside of me to be me. No longer can anyone deceive me to be other than who I am truly and no longer can anyone be outside of me and expecting me to follow them instead of me. I am free now and I am expressing this last bit of lingering doubt so I may be free. We are all Free. We are all Free!